I am so angry at Angus for not being here right now. I know it’s not entirely his fault, but if he had gotten his shit together sooner, he would be here now. But he’s not. So I’m here painting, and swearing not to text him or call him or send him a Facebook message or anything until he contacts me. He will. Tomorrow, I’m willing to bet. But in the meantime, I’m running the whole gamut of emotions over this guy and I hate that.

All of the questions I’ve had for the past semester could have been answered in the last 24 hours. But I was well aware of the fact that I did not want to know the answers, so I asked to please not tell me. I won’t let my curiosity get the best of me. I have not let my curiosity get the best of me this past semester, and thus have not heard as many things that I don’t want to hear. Still, far too many things that I did not want to know, I’ve been told. Therefore, I’m going to call my parents tonight. After that I’m going to turn my computer off. I’m going to refuse to open any texts or take any calls that are not from someone who may need to get into my apartment. I am disconnecting, go ahead and have at your drama, I will take no part in it this evening. I will not stare at your stupid online green dot either. I won’t. Figure your shit out and call me like a responsible person would.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW!?

I hate this. I hate this so much.

When does September get here?

I am happy to be in the city this summer. And especially by myself. And I fully intend to go out and make new friends and repeat the same stupid mistakes I typically make to meet new people. But I’m useless where it counts.

You are a penisweed.

Alright, but outwardly I gave up on the bullshit. I like meeting guys and dating too much to stay away from it while you have still not secured me as your girlfriend and you are doing I don’t even know what all far away and shit. If you can stay the way you were, I have no doubt that everyone will have to clear out as soon as you return to the city. I am also very conscious of the fact that this city is a machine and it has a very complete potential to spit anyone back out at anytime and I can’t get attached. That’s one thing I can almost count on New York for, is spitting out everything that comes in. Whether that person will take a second stab at it is the question.

But as a still perfectly valid fact, I’ve never fallen this hard before in my life. And I will be completely destroyed if the city decides to force you back out, no matter what I do in the meantime.

Stop smiling. I am about to start rolling around on the floor because of the cuteness of your face when you smile. I’m serious, stop smiling. It is tearing my heart into little pieces.

Whoa. Whoa. Also, if you have an issue with those other pictures, I’ma actually be pissed if these ones stay up. Yeah. Yeah.

Sometime this week. Yeah. Okay. Sometime this week. One day, you’ll just be here and I’ll be like, “cool.” Except not really. I’ll be like, “OH MY GOD WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN I’VE BEEN OUT OF MY MIND WITHOUT YOU I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!” But really I’ll be like “Hey! Glad you’re here.”

I was really knocking on this weekend before for not being at all what I wanted, but at least it’s been interesting. Certainly interesting. And sure as shit, Emerson just knocked me flat on my ass again this morning. He wrote this in more general, beautiful words, but what I got from it was, “Re-evaluate what you’re doing. Why are you doing this? You can keep doing it, just make sure you have a good reason for doing it. Do it for noble reasons. Money and pride are not noble reasons. Re-evaluate your goals keeping this in mind.” So I think it’s time I did some meditation and got this back under control.